Stuff that sucks

Some models are bad - and that's ok.

That is going to be my post for the week - talking about models considered bad and my experiences with them. It's bound to offend some people, but entertain me.

First, some theory for framing perspective. Here are some reasons why models are bad:

1. Badly costed

Points cost is the single most important statistic on a model's card, especially at lower points levels, as the difference between X and X-1 can be quite significant. Lowering or increasing a model's PC can have a huge impact on whether you see them in a list or not, or if you see 8 or 1. Cryx Stalkers, for example, were PC:3 in the Mk2 Field Test, and Cryx players were spamming those things like crazy. Get a single Stalker with 3 focus on the enemy caster and that was probably game over. Fortunately they were increased to PC: 4 at release and their value relative to Bane and Satyxis swarms decreased and we thankfully don't have to play against 6 Stalkers anymore.
On the flip side, you have Trenchers, where a full unit with all the UAs and support modules costs about 4.2 million points, and is still not as good as the Winterguard Deathstar, buffs or not.

2. Opportunity Cost

A different way to look at the cost issue. Sometime there are just models available to you that do practically the same thing at better value, or bring additional options to the table. Often this will be a merc model, but sometimes within the same faction. That is like the ultimate kick in the nuts.

3. Very situational

Some models have abilities that are extremely dependent on matchup, and their effectiveness is thus dependent on your opponent's list. This is not really a cool place to be, unless you know exactly what you're going to be playing against every time
Take Strakhov for example, who is pretty good against Legion shooty lists because he has Occultation and he is immune to fire. Meaning that Legion has no way to shoot him to death outside Bolt Throwers. And his stuff is really really fast. Sometimes abilities that are fundamental to a model's effectiveness but only work on living models, or warbeasts. As you would expect, these models are usually noticeably less sweet when their preferred targets are not around. This point of course bleeds into....

4. The Meta

What you play against has a large impact on the value of your models. If you expect to play against a lot of heavy armor, as has been the case in a Colossals meta, then armor crackers like heavies and weapon masters are valuable. If you expect to face lots of troops, then models that can generate multiple attacks in a turn and AoEs and sprays are valuable.If you expect lots of tough, anti-healing and Take Down is good. If you expect incorporeal, then magic weapons become more valuable, etc. etc. etc.
Points size is also a factor, as are tournament formats. Character restrictions have made a big difference in model viability by removing the option to take more powerful character choices in every list. Playing scenario vs not playing for scenario makes a huge difference to the power of some models. Some casters and models are much

5. Clunky design

Some models actually do fine in games purely on a capability perspective, but are annoying to play or get to "work" for many people. Sometimes there are too many hoops to jump through, sometimes they Skornergize* with your models, sometimes they just try to do lots of things and suck at them all. Either way, they still suck. In any case, they are just not really enjoyable to use in a real game but usually look sweet in theorymachine.

6. Designed for that annoying tart that wants to make everything work all the time

You know those guys that want everything to work all the time? Yeah. They are the guys that post threads on the PP boards every few weeks about how they've figured out Assault Kommandos and Tharn Ravagers. I admit I am guilty of this type of behavior at times. But I've come around to the fact that some stuff just sucks.... and that's ok. Pleasure from pain. If you still enjoy putting your balls in a vice and spinning the handle at varying speeds in random directions in the hope that you'll find some kind of personal satisfaction or enlightenment, you go ahead and give yourself blue balls.

7. Light artillery

Pretty much all light artillery sucks, except perhaps the Mortar crew. Nobody really knows why, but my theory is that because they can't move and shoot, they lose a lot of tactical depth and become predictable. If you look at the stats of most light artillery models, they are pretty decent and usually straight up better than a ranged solo at the same cost. However they only do one thing, which is shoot AoEs or potentially high-ish POW attacks at highly predictable ranges. They also usually can't boost on top of that, which makes you hate them more and just spend your points on super expensive warjacks with the same gun instead (which are probably worse).

Much like Gargantuans, I can't complain that Gators don't have any light artillery.

8.  Design decisions that err on the side of caution

I think several members of the Warmachine design team engaged in Opus Dei-type self-flagellation as the result of Mk1 brokenness. It is quite clear these days that whenever given they choice, they will choose to make a model tamer and lower on the power curve rather than risk a model winning the majority of tournaments. That would be really horrible. In my opinion, this will often lead to some changes late in the design process that don't get playtested as thoroughly as they should and have a bigger impact on a model's viability than expected.

I'm sure everyone prefers this state of affairs to Mk1 "everything is broken" balance. It is funny how often I hear that MkII is 'perfectly balanced' after hearing the same thing about MK1 for years. PP do a great job of keeping the game balanced, but anyone who has played Warmachine for a few years is aware that balance issues will almost always be present to varying degrees. You can't compare an eLich to a Venethrax, or McThralls to Drudges. There is always room for improvement, not only in terms of nerfs, but also of buffs.

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Here is a small, non-exhaustive selection of models that are usually held up as bad/ crap:

Cygnar:

• Trenchers - They cost too damn much. They can do lots of stuff (not particularly well), but 1pt per guy is a hefty cost, especially when you throw in all the additional stuff. They already have an amazing UA which doesn't fix their standing - I think it's just a matter of reexamining the cost decisions on Cygnar units (who are obviously costed with great shooting buffs in mind). Long Gunners are arguably in the same boat but benefit hugely from Snipe.
• Stormblades - Cost too much for SPD 5, totally average defensive stats, and no reach. Sure, they can hit hard and have guns and tons of gizmos, but what's the point when you can't even do the basics? Again, already have a UA and WA, so I'm thinking either Stryker3 gets Lightning Tendrils AND Deflection/Deceleration or these guys will be coated in a thick coat of grey dust by the time Mk2 Remix hits.

Cryx:

• Venethrax - First of all, he isn't one of the other Cryx casters. Second, he is very skewed towards livings models. Third, his feat ranges from random as hell, to self-defeating, to not doing much at all. It's cute. Unlife in the Cryxian Empire has not been kind to Skeletor.
• Drudges - These are just straight up worse than McThralls for more points. Or worse than any unit in Cryx for any points. And 90% of their effectiveness is tied to one pretty easy to kill model. Like... what? Redesign these so they have flexible weapon modes like CoC infantry and don't hold onto the Mind Slaver for dear life and we might see them on the table.... one day.
• Cryx Heavies - Two problems with Cryx heavies, who for the most part are actually pretty good: One, they are squishy as all hell and have no repair option that can really keep up with them at full speed so losing 3 systems to a boosted Reckoner shot makes you want to just play more Banes instead. Two, you could just take Banes/ Satyxis/ McThralls, who hit equally hard, put out more attacks and need less focus to do it. Opportunity cost at work here.
  Deathjack ADs, has armour and heals itself, so he is immune to criticism and costs a ton.

PoM:

It's hard to find bad things in Protectorate,because the whole faction is based around jerking itself off so everyone feels good and high-fives each other. I mean, Amon is considered bad in that faction, since he has some incentive to not stay 6 miles back.

• Deliverers - Perfectly fine unit. However, nobody takes them because they take soooooooo long to resolve at full efficiency, and don't get all the buffs a Redeemer does. They attempted to fix them in Mk2 by giving them a huge 5" AoE CRA so they can activate faster, but even then Redeemers are better and die slower.
• Paladin? - What happened here? I never see these anymore. I guess they aren't as tough as Seneschals, and only become really great with Vilmon, who people don't take anymore for some reason. Too many magic weapons in the meta I guess.

Khador:

• Zerkova - universally acknowledged as the worst caster in Khador for many reasons. First she is squishy and her defensive tech is bad. Second, she has every incentive to move upfield since her main influence on the game is through offensive spells and her pDenny-style feat. The most effective way to play her would be to take some shield guards (Bokurs), upkeep her spells, feat and then camp focus all the time and hope to live. That is even more boring than eKreoss. Third, no real game plan - everything is reactionary or denial, and not that great at it.
• Decimator- requires wayyyyyy too much focus to make up for his craptastic RAT. I suspect he will come back with Malakov, because that Beat Back POW 15 gun combined with a POW 20 sustained attack melee weapon seems really good on a SPD 6 jack.
• Assault Kommandos - Do like 10 things, and all of them suck. There's no getting past mediocre stats, very low POW attacks, highly situational abilities and a pretty high points cost (except giving them +3 to all stats). Remember how good Trenchers were in Mk1? So do these guys.
• MoW Kovnik - This guy looks like serious business on paper. Problem is SPD 4 and no reach combined with no movement tricks means this guy isn't really getting to hit anything (unless you give him +3 to all stats). Second the emphasis on his jack marshall abilities, in a faction where jacks are focus-hungry, get great battlegroup buffs and have some very impressive buffable troops. And now have Malakov.

The poster boys for failure in JS Land

Mercs:

• pMagnus - great spell list, but no feat. Not having a feat kinda sucks. Imagine how much people would hate pStryker if he didn't have a feat - that's pMagnus. It's not really a matter of terrible as much as lame.
• Devil Dogs - too many hoops to jump through, and other people just do what they do better and more reliably. Charge maybe 7 around a warjack if graced by the favor of God himself, hit maybe the 3rd or 4th net, then get three POW 10 weapon master attacks. Then die. Short ranged guns and no way to deliver.... just legitimately bad.
• Blythe and Bull - WTF. It's like Ayanna & Holt that don't have Harm or Magic Weapons or Stealth and only one big meaty gun. Most obvious IKRPG conversion ever.
• Avalancher - Those Rhulics and their power pieces. I think they should get their own faction. Then Minions won't be the worst faction in the game anymore. This jack just seems like an even shittier version of the Destroyer, which is already a pretty shitty jack. Am I missing something?

Ret:

• Garryth - melee assassination casters don't tend to do too well in the current meta. Garryth would be great if he could keep his army standing long enough for him to get to the enemy caster, but Ret isn't built that way. And his feat being skewed so hard towards Warmachine sucks for him.
• Gorgon - The  Force Lock ability seems really strong. However it is tied to both a squishy warjack with rather crap combat capabilities and a squishy Generator node. It might cause slight activation issues for your opponent, but if that's what you're going for you might as well play this next guy....
• Nayl - Have no idea why people don't play him. As a Hordes player, I find him annoying as hell. Sure, he can screw you over if you place your caster nearby and he gets thrown over there. OR he can get in the middle of the opposing army and take P+S 13 free strikes on everyone since he is way too annoying to deal with and destroys your opponent's time. Guess two points is a lot to give up to completely mess up your opponent's plans for a turn.

Apparently if I ever get a tattoo, it has to be this.

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Trolls:

• Gunnbjorn - he has a sweet gun, pretty good spells but again, no feat. Or a feat that doesn't work for his spell list, since it seems only good for protecting a rampaging horde of rushing trolls on the advance, which will be way ahead of him. Trolls usually have underwhelming spells and feats on paper, but this guy also has them on the table!
• Winter Troll - I haven't had the pleasure to see why this guy sucks on the table. If the animus was RNG: Self, I would totally understand but at RNG 6 it might see some use. Maybe it's the RAT 4 on the spray. Maybe it's the pillow fists when you could be taking some baller Troll Hero or a Pyre Troll that brings +2 damage to said Troll Hero.
• Mountain King- He might be awesome if he came out 2 years ago when people weren't designing lists to 1-round much heavier targets. Alas, people are doing just that. He's also MAT 5 for no reason at all. WHY MAT 5?!?!
• Sluggers - So their stats suck more than the average Troll, for some reason. And if they move and shoot, they really suck. If they stand still and shoot, they get 5d3 RAT 7 POW 13 shots off, which is pretty good with Snipe. But then they are 5/8 for 3/5 guys with 5 boxes each. Why they have boxes, nobody knows. More muscle mass from lifting I guess. But we do know this is the best example of Snipe tax known to man.

Circle:

• Ravagers - It's because they die. Like, really easily. If everyone played in heavily forested terrain all the time, they would probably be legit, but such a thing is rare.
• Sentry Stones - This thing was ridiculously overpowered in Mk1 for doing almost the same thing. Then Mk2 happened and I have not seen one since. Is it the 3pts? The short 6" CMD range? The reliance on enemy warbeasts to do it's thing? I really don't know.

Legion:

• Rhyas - Again, a melee assassination caster that doesn't seem to get love. How odd. I think this is the case of a caster that doesn't do much. She hides in the back, casts Dash and upkeeps two spells. If you play against Hordes you might risk her to kill a warbeast and steal its fury and run away. Her feat is good but kinda reliant on your opponents list and positioning. Also no pathfinder is stupid.
• Grotesques - Not only are they uglier than my ass, they are potentially the least exciting unit I have ever seen. Mediocre to poor stats all around, BUT they can fly, are fearless and gang. That sure makes up for that single MAT 5 POW 10 attack. If they were 3/5, they might see some play. Might.

Skorne:

A fall from grace that would make Satan jealous.

• eMorghoul - A melee assassination caster! Yep, and eMorghoul also sucks to play. In Mk1, he was probably amongst the most OP casters in the game since he was not only an assassin machine with good support spells (same as now), but his feat Blinded your opponent's entire army. That was pretty OP. Anyway, they dicked around with him in the Play Test for several editions until they slapped his current lame-ass boring feat on him in the last release and left it at that, together with passive stealth. Two weeks more/less of playtesting would have made a world of difference.
• Savage - I don't know why I don't see more of these. I submitted so many feedback forms that the animus should cost 1. Now it costs 1 and nobody takes them. FML. More evidence nobody really likes melee lights unless they are spammable, and Savages are not spammable at 5pts. dat animus though...
• Cannoneer - Warbeasts with big AoE guns are amazing since you can boost pretty much everything you need at will. The reason this guy is left on the shelf however is firstly because his animus does nothing. It did nothing in Mk1 and doesn't do much now - the range is too short, and the cost is too high for a warlock relative to two more transfers. Secondly, he is very average in melee and Skorne doesn't stand for that jazz.
• Siege Animantrax - This thing not only sucks on the table, but also sucks on paper. I would have loved to see this thing in playtest, it must have been broken as balls before those last minute tweaks.

Minions:

• Arkadius - People want to cast Crippling Grasp - they miss, they die. On the flipside, pig beasts are pretty crap so his entire shtick is consequentially equally crap. Better pig beasts please.
• Calaban - I like my warlock to do things. If I wanted to just cast one spell, upkeep things and hope like hell I don't die, I'd have played PoM. If Grave Door didn't require 14 hoops to jump through as well as a full tax audit and vetting process, then maybe he might be cool had Rask never come out.
• Brigands - People take these with Carver. They don't take them otherwise. Because giving them CRA and Fearless is a thing when they have otherwise poor stats.
• Boneswarms - I have written on Boneswarms before. They could have three different roles, yet they don't do any of them well. They do the tanky role in Midas' theme list pretty well. Sucks for you, Gator players.

Feel free to share your thoughts. Remember that, at least in this context, 'good' and 'bad' are entirely relative, so it makes sense for every eLich,  Molik, or Satyxis unit, we have an eMorghoul, Avalancher or Grotesques.

*Skornergy, for you young ones, is a term coined by the podcast Focus and Fury to describe the Skorne list design process during the Hordes Playtest. It is essentially synergy that looks amazing but doesn't actually work, or screws itself over at some stage in the process. Lots of Skorne warlocks had this feature.

My first time playing with CoC

Technically, it would be my second time since I have played a couple of proxy CoC Box games. But this is my first time playing with someone else's CoC. It began badly, when in my enthusiasm to demonstrate proper dice shuffling technique, I sent plastic Syntherion flying off the table and breaking one of his little plastic arms. Boy did he fly. I broke that CoC good. It was not easy to fix. I don't like plastic CoCs.

Axis, the Harmonic Enforcer (*6pts)
* Corollary (3pts)  (CoC Squire)
* Diffuser (3pts)  (Hunter's Mark light)
* Galvanizer (3pts) (Repair light)
* Cipher (9pts) (Double Pistons/Gun Face)
* Inverter (8pts) (KD Hammer guy)
Obstructors (Leader and 9 Grunts) (6pts) (shield wall infantry with reach flails)
Optifex Directive (Leader and 2 Grunts) (2pts) (CoC Choir)
Enigma Foundry (3pts) (CoC Necrosurgeon)
Steelsoul Protector (2pts)  (Shield Guard)

+2 more points (probably some bodge servitors or Flare servitors)

Much like new Protectorate warjacks, the names of these models mean nothing for a few months and you just use descriptive names for them instead.
I played a standard 35 Barnabas list: Wrastler, Spitter, Snapper, 2 Full Posse, Totem Hunter.

Good view of hammer hands and elephant feet.

The scenario was Incursion, and the middle flag dissapeared. 

Round 1:

• He went first and ran some stuff up and put up upkeeps.
• I ran some stuff up and put up a Swamp Pit and Warpath.

Round 2:

• He moved everything like 2" forward and turtled in Shield Wall since he was afraid of all the Gatormans. Razor wall was put in front of the Obstructors as a joke. Moved some jacks to contest flags.
•  I shot a clump of Obstructors in Shield Wall with the Spitter, killing my target and triggering Warpath to move the Wrastler up (the other 5 guys I hit all died to Corrosion next turn - yay!). Barnabas moved up inside a Swamp Pit and feated, catching all the CoC except for the Cipher and Galvanizer + Protector who were on my left + right flanks respectively. The Wrastler charged the steady Inverter (taking 1pt from Razor Wall) and managing to kill it on my last damage roll needing an 11. Yay. I jammed one unit of Gators up into the Cipher/ Diffuser/ Obstructors, and the other unit sat in the middle of the table non-committedly (my only big mistake).

Round 3:

• He shakes with Axis and holds the rest of the focus. Some Obstructors return to play thanks to the Foundry - the 1" leash on its return ability is really restricting! But at 3pts for ARM 18 and 8 boxes, repair ability, repairable and easy access to a Shield Guard, can't really complain too much. Anyway, the Obstructors do nothing, most of the army does nothing so Axis decides to take matters into his own hammers - pops his feat, casts Onslaught for the pathfinder, charges a Gator in front of Barnabas, beats it back. I wanted to counter-charge with Barnabas and place him directly behind this Gator so he could not have been moved and thus forcing Axis to spend more focus than he wanted to get to Barnabas, but -2 SPD from Axis' feat stops charging. He uses his second attack on the nearby Spitter to make his way over to Barnabas, fluffs 4 of the 6 extra attacks and leaves him at 9 boxes.
• Spitter headbutts, Barnabas kills Axis with auto-hitting boosted POW 12s.

Postgame thoughts

In retrospect, had that second unit of Gators just run 2.1" in front of the Obstructors I would have been safe from assassination and weathered the feat turn better. -2 STR and SPD is very damaging to Gators so my retaliation would have been very poor that turn - even killing Shield Walled Obstructors would have been tough with POW 11 Gator attacks. I probably would have only just killed the Enigma Foundry with a Spitter shot and Flesh Eater, and just put Spiny Growth on everything to try and weather the next round.

I also didn't have Spiny Growth on Barnabas due to Fury issues (Wrastler at 4, Spitter at 1) but probably should have put it up and let the Wrastler frenzy as he wasn't going to do much under Axis' feat anyway. Assassination would have been even more unlikely in that instance. The Swamp Pit also helped by protecting Barnabas from those Flare guns.
Scenario was a non-issue during the game since he skillfully placed warjacks with Countercharge 3.9" away from each flag, warjacks that were tough enough to take a couple of Gator hits without too much fuss.

The lack of living models in CoC really sucks for our threat ranges and many living-only abilities, and the armor stacking potential is a worry. Axis in particular will become quite nasty as more CoC models are released because his feat really shuts down Gator lists for a turn, he is capable of dishing out significant damage in a melee grind situation, and he has access to a ridiculous number of push effects to set up almost any charge lane he needs.
My first impression is that it seems a bit like a Skorne matchup, which means Rask will again prove to be the best all-around choice. But they are pretty fun to play with and against (at least until Lucant comes out, that guys is going to give everyone fits).

3 (possible) tournament lists

Some disclaimers:

• Lists are limited by models I own (everything but Pendrake and only 1 of each beast).
• Every list has two units of Gatormans before I choose a caster. The reasoning is simple. The only time I think I'd use a single Posse would be Calaban at 35pts or below, but since I try to avoid Calaban at all costs and don't play 35pts too often, the issue is moot.
• Every game I play is a scenario. Too many early experiences against gun lines and getting kited around for 10 turns have driven me to insist on scenarios. We usually roll for it at random or pick one that is easy to set up like Incursion, Close Quarters or that one with the two zones.
• I am pretty bad at the game all things considered.

Rask

Rask (*6pts)
* Blackhide Wrastler (9pts)
* Swamp Horror (8pts)
Bog Trog Ambushers (Leader and 5 Grunts) (5pts)
Gatormen Posse (Leader and 4 Grunts) (9pts)
Gatormen Posse (Leader and 4 Grunts) (9pts)
Swamp Gobber Bellows Crew (Leader and 1 Grunt) (1pts)
Gatorman Witch Doctor (3pts)
Wrong Eye & Snapjaw (9pts)
* Bull Snapper (3pts)


Overview:
I think this list is rock-solid in a Gargossals meta, and against tankier factions like PoM and Trolls, and some Skorne and Khador. It is very similar to the list Werecat used to place 3rd at the Intermountain Cup in the US. You have three pillow-fisted heavies who become monsters with Fury, two units of Gators, and a token useful solo. Basically, you can put out a lot of damage and control a good deal of the board with raw threat and Rask's douchy spells and feat. Fury and Arcane Interference are game changers in a big way.

How it works in a nutshell:
Essentially you want to line up an efficient alphastrike, which you will probably get on account of the feat. If you can assault hard enough and then grind them out, you will win. If you don't assault hard enough and they crack through your armor in return, then you have your work cut out for you. Getting an alpha strike with so much of your army can also lead to efficient trades and jamming, giving you a leg up on scenario as well. If your opponent chooses to back up from the feat, make sure to get in a good position for a scenario win.
Rask will probably only have a fury +/- 1 at the end of his activation. It is important that the Trogs stay back and spread out in order to take away incentives at assassination runs, preferably on the edge of a Gobber cloud if your opponent has lots of sniper guns (DEF 16 is much harder to hit than DEF 12). Only rarely will I use them to ambush, depending almost entirely on my opponent's list. Try to also keep Rask midline so he can have maximum impact on the game with his gun and buffs.
I put the Snapper on Wrong Eye to take the burden off Rask since he is usually strapped managing two very aggressive heavies and does not really need the additional transfer targets. Wrong Eye however benefits sizably from an extra transfer target and having access to Spiny Growth.

Weaknesses for this list, other than Rask's personal weaknesses, are very high def (17+) so stuff like Ashen Veiled Daughters or IF Kayazy can be a problem, things that stop charging or generally playing the game (Circle, Cygnar, Cryx douchery) and OP Cryx infantry in general (which is a problem for all Gator lists). There is also a serious lack of guns, but that's more or less a Gator shtick and a tradeoff for not getting shot.

Possible changes:
I quite like Snapjaw in this list because with the Rask Express Package (Fury + Boundless Charge + Elasticity), combined with a complimentary Arcane Interference bolt, Snapjaw can come within a bee's dick of one-rounding a Gargantuan by himself from 14" away. And Wrong Eye is also really useful in the Hordes matchup thanks to Voodoo Doll. Saying that,  the list also works fine if you switch out WE + Snapjaw for a third Posse, or the Gatorman Witch Doctor for a Totem Hunter. Once the Shamblers are out, they will probably be more useful in this list than the Min Bog Trogs + Swamp Gobbers.

Barnabas

Bloody Barnabas (*6pts)
* Bull Snapper (3pts)
* Blackhide Wrastler (9pts)
* Ironback Spitter (8pts)
Bog Trog Ambushers (Leader and 9 Grunts) (8pts)
Gatormen Posse (Leader and 4 Grunts) (9pts)
Gatormen Posse (Leader and 4 Grunts) (9pts)
Croak Hunter (2pts)
Croak Hunter (2pts)
Thrullg (3pts)
Totem Hunter (3pts)

Overview:
This is a pretty standard Barnabas list I feel - nothing from Domination or Gargantuans. A single Swamp Pit can fit a Full Posse and a heavy warbeast so this list can also deliver in the face of gunlines pretty well. This is a well-rounded list designed to deal with equally balanced lists. It has a viable assassination run against softer casters (thanks to the feat), it has excellent attrition power (also, largely thanks to the feat), good killing power and good scenario options

In a nutshell:
I don't think there is much of a cohesive strategy for this list as much as a lot of tactical options - you want to maximize Warpath for your beasts, protect your army on the approach with Swamp Pits, and always keep your finger on the assassination trigger if a reliable opportunity presents itself. The Rise Missile trick is available with a Spitter doing the throwing, and you have THREE RANGED WEAPONS. Amazing. Remember the Bog Trogs! A full unit of Bog Trogs can do some serious damage on squishy backlines if you keep the rest of the army occupied (if you don't, they die horrible deaths). The Croak Hunters are there purely for the assassination angle and two because they work well in pairs. They might also be just as good as Feralgeists at sitting in the corner of a zone and playing with their cloacas.
I take the Totem Hunter in this list rather than my Rask list in tournaments because I will usually drop Barnabas vs Circle or Legion and the TH allows me to kill clutch pieces like Soul Martyrs, Gallows Groves and stealth Shifting Stones and solos quickly. He is almost like a ranged weapon. The Thrullg is there because offensive upkeeps can ruin your day, and you can usually hide him quite safely behind one of the swamp pits (he doesn't benefit from the pit itself, but models in it will block LoS to him). He can also do cool stuff to jacks when they are knocked down.

The main weakness of this list of course is that it's a Blindwater list, so suffers from all the weaknesses Blindwater traditionally suffers from, including Cryx, high ARM, machete-wielding Australian bushmen, you name it. On the upside, it is stronger than the Rask list against high DEF and moderate ARM lists, like non-construct Circle, Legion, or non-Stormwall Cygnar. Barnabas's feat usually results in high-DEF infantry suddenly dying , and it has a pretty strong assassination angle against non-Cryx armies.

Changes:
I think if I had a 3rd Posse I would probably just put that in instead of the many solos. Plus three Posse is kind of cool. I really like the idea of including a Swamp Horror with Barnabas as well since he can shred through infantry with Warpath, and doesn't need a Swamp Pit to get there. However, I have trouble letting go of my Wrastler and Rise Missile trick with Barnabas since it has done and continues to do so well, and the Spitter is just great with Black Tide and Warpath. You could also put in a Witch Doctor or two for some utility with tough and sac strikes.

Maelok

Maelok - The Walking Death
Tier: 3
Maelok, the Dreadbound (*6pts)
* Bone Swarm (4pts)
* Bull Snapper (3pts)
* Blackhide Wrastler (9pts)
* Swamp Horror (8pts)
Bog Trog Ambushers (Leader and 9 Grunts) (8pts)
Gatormen Posse (Leader and 4 Grunts) (9pts)
Gatormen Posse (Leader and 4 Grunts) (9pts)
Feralgeist (1pts)
Feralgeist (1pts)
Gatorman Witch Doctor (2pts)
Gatorman Witch Doctor (2pts)

Overview:
Maelok is pretty cool and holds his own in a lot of matchups. However he isn't better than a Barnabas/Rask combo in most two list formats. I think his one main strength might be the Cryx matchup, but I am not as certain as I would like to be. I don't play against Cryx nearly as often as I would like to (that sounds extremely masochistic) so I can't test out this theory, but with the right pieces (ie. some guns), he could be the best thing available to Minions (unless Midas with lots of guns and Bone Grinders turns out to be a thing).

The main benefits of the tier list are cheaper Croctors and your entire army being incorporeal first turn. In return you give up the Thrullg, the Totem Hunter and the option of a 3rd Posse. You never want to go Tier 4, because that requires 3 Boneswarms, which is a worse idea than invading Russia in winter. I have trouble enough taking one, but admit that with the feat and kept as a late game piece it can do some work.

In a nutshell:
Basically it is a grind. You jam in, and hopefully make it there in one piece, let them jam into you, and then feat and get serious with Revives and killing the important stuff. Using the feat at the right time will be a big part of your success or failure, as is positioning Maelok to maximize his abilities. He can work fine just sitting backfield and Reviving 1-2 Gators a turn, but I think getting him somewhat involved so you can benefit from Malediction, Venom, Cull Souls and his respectable melee potential is key to using him at fullest - but as always, it means living on the edge. And of course, remember that assassination run.
The other benefit - an advance move for an Undead model for each Croctor -  is totally a trap on the Boneswarm since that thing sucks bad in the early game, but the advance move on Maelok can be neat if you intend to aggressively dominate a zone - just be sure to finish that advance move facing stuff you want to put Death Pact on. I personally like to put it on a Posse early on if my opponent has many low POW guns, and then switch it to the Wrastler once the lines have engaged, since an ARM 25 Wrastler on feat turn is srs bzns.
The Bog Trogs are kind of the ace in the list, and can be pretty devastating when used as a hammer to the Undead Gator anvil. Nobody excepts the Spanish Bog Trogs.

Changes:
Being a tier list, you don't have that much flexibility with it. I put two Feralgeists in the list because it adds some scenario and attrition power, but you could just put another Croctor in, since 2pt Witch Doctors are pretty stellar.
In a non-tier list, you probably want to take 3 Posse since Reviving Posse is really good... subbed out for the Trogs and Boneswarm. Then you can put a Thrullg or Totem Hunter in for the Feralgeists.

Calaban

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Overview:
The rolfcopter cares not for your conventions such as playing to win or not getting frustrated.

In a nutshell:

Changes:
Play Rask.

Why Calaban needs an "arc node" (and Pigmans don't)

PART TWO OF MY EPIC CALABAN BITCH POSTS! See here for Part 1.

A regular subject of internet Minions-related QQ is that Arkadius desperately needs a pork node to "work properly". Sturm & Drang too, while we're at it. Let's have a look at these two and their spell-slinging capabilities:

• Arkadius - 2 offensive spells (Crippling Grasp and Primal Shock)
• Sturm and Drang - 1.5 offensive spells  (Obliteration and TK)

Both casters have access to Bone Grinders in every list, and will probably take them as Bone Grinders are a pretty good unit regardless of their ability to buff casters since they bring a decent magic missile and very cheap bodies.

Arkadius

Arkadius' playstyle revolves around warbeasts that hit hard and frequently - he can give them all hyper aggressive on early turns (CTRL area buff) and he can heal them all to 100% efficiency for 2 fury (Psycho Surgery, CTRL area). He can buff a heavy beast to hit harder (upkeep), and he can throw decent POW magic nukes at long distances with Primal Shock. His feat makes all friendly beasts in his control area immediately frenzy - no need to have enemy models in your control when you cast it at all, although you'll probably have to move up a bit after feating to keep your beasts in your CTRL. His thing is to have beasts going bonkers in your face and ripping stuff apart - chaos. Maybe not the most competitive approach, but then again this is Pigs we're talking about - Carver takes all the good stuff.

He is a Fury 7 warlock with Maltreatment so he can stay pretty far back and have a transfer or two if needed. His defensive stats are pretty balls at 15/14, but so are Zaal's and several other Hordes spellslingers and nobody flips out about those dying all the time (granted he doesn't have access to the same level of defensive animi or protective models as "real" Hordes factions - more a problem with the faction than with the model).

There is only one catch about Arkadius - Crippling Grasp. This is the only reason he has to move up at all - this deliciously OP spell that can bring anything in the game to its knees, weeping for its mother. In my opinion, this spell is a trap on this warlock. He has no other reason at all to move up and risk death - none at all. If he can keep his beasts in his 14" control, he's happy and can do pretty much everything else.
Arkadius doesn't need an arc node - he just needs to stay the hell back and cast 2 spells all game along with healing his beasts and feating. That's about it. You only need the needle stick and Crippling Grasp if for whatever reason crap got into your face and you're about to die.
If anything, his problem is that he is kinda boring, not that he doesn't work or that he has to move way up to miss boosted Crippling Grasps and consequentially die a quick death. Making his Syringe into a RNG 10/12 gun would do a lot to make him more interesting, although that Syringe would potentially be as good or better than Rask's gun (and we cannot have that).

Sturm & Drang

I love this caster. The design looks like so much fun to play with, and is definitely a lot of fun to play against. He almost makes me want to play Pigs. I can never decide whether to refer to them as a single individual.

So what does he do? He has two radically different personas, both at FURY 7. His defensive stats are 14/16 which is pretty decent, but he is slightly prone to getting shot as he is on a medium base in a half-faction with not many medium bases.

Sturm is the psychic/defensive half of the duo. He has no cool special rules and sucks in melee, but does have a nice magical spray gun and some sweet spells. Deflection gives a +2 ARM buff to all warriors against ranged + magic (CTRL area). Vision allows the recipient to negate all damage from the next directly hitting attack (upkeep), and Watcher allows a friendly beast to make a full advance whenever an enemy models moves to within 6" of Sturm (forever) and you can also choose to make a fully boosted attack against said enemy model with a warbeast (then the spell expires). Not exactly something you want to rely on to live, but it's a nice defensive layer.

His best spell however is the ever-useful Telekinesis - RNG 8 spell that allows you to place your target 2". If it targets an enemy model, it is an offensive spell. Again, while it is useful to use on enemy models at times, it is not necessary to the functioning of the model.

Drang, on the flipside, is the psycho/offensive half of the duo. He has Pack Hunters and Goad so his warbeasts are pretty badass, and he himself is pretty legit in melee. He has only two spells - Killing Ground makes all your models charge for free and get pathfinder if they charge (CTRL), and Obliteration is an expensive, RNG 10 POW 15 AoE 4 mega nuke. This does need to target enemy models and you do need to get kinda close for it to do its thing - but at RNG 10 + Bonegrinders, I think you'll be alright to target almost anything you want to target. This is Drang we're talking about - he's definitely not an eVayl-style spell assassin.

The one thing they have that really has to affect enemy models is their feat Psychic Apocalypse, which reduces all enemy warbeasts currently in their CTRL to Fury: 1 and all enemy warjacks in CTRL cannot be allocated more than 1 focus for a round. This is a clearly defensive feat with some obvious assassination potential vs Hordes in that it reduces transfer options for opposing warlocks, and it is really the only part of their toolkit that requires you to move up to catch all their beasts/jacks. However, an arc node does NOTHING for this, so you'll just have to deal with it.
The second part of the feat is a 'no channeling spells' aura, which these days is neat but doesn't come into play all that much.


So in summary - I don't think the problem with these two casters is that they need arc nodes to not insta-die or to go through with their game plan. They just need their faction to have access to more awesome stuff - primarily better beasts, animi and beast support. A Spell Martyr or equivalent would be useful, but I don't think it'll "fix" them as much as just make them straight-up better - throwing out Crippling Grasps from a mile away at no risk pDenny-style is obviously good but not fun in the least for your opponent (f*ck that spell) and pretty contradictory to everything else Arkadius does.

Calaban

Now onto a real charity case:

Calaban has 3 offensive spells: Hex Blast, Parasite and Bone Shaker.
He has access to Bone Grinders in his tier list which I am told is 2 legit 2 quit. He also has a meat node gun that is confusing as it is crap. Calaban is 14/16 and on a medium base - just like Sturm and Drang. We already know he has an amazing spell list, but let's have a look again in biased detail:

He has two upkeep spells - Occultation and Carnivore. Both very nice spells, and Occultation does help to protect Calaban after helping your Posse on the advance. Carnivore is a nice MAT buff vs living for Gators or Swamp Horrors, although Calaban's only use of life as a resource is Life Trader on Carcass, so the heal rarely comes into play like it does on eMorvahna.

Then he has three other spells which are all 100% traditionally offensive spells - they can only target enemy models and are all cast directly from Calaban:

• Hex Blast is a POW 13 nuke that removes upkeeps and animi on a direct hit, and has a neat 3" AoE attached to make you feel better about casting it (RNG 10, Cost 3).
• Parasite is an amazing debuff that reduces target ARM by 3 and increase Calaban's by 1 (RNG 8, Cost 3).
• Bone Shaker is a pretty good  POW 12 nuke that allows you to take control of enemy warriors you kill, make an advance and make an attack with it before RFP. Lich3 has this spell so you know it's good (RNG 8, Cost 2).

Thankfully, his feat does not require the enemy models you kill to be in Calaban's control area - only the model doing the killing. Since Blindwater doesn't have many guns, this more or less means that you have to have the front line of your engagement in your control area if you want to suck in the sweet death and convert it to fury. This is a reasonably safe distance. I am fine with that - the problem comes from the second part of the feat that allows you to cast spells as you generate the fury, which you really want to be doing since not doing it means you have a really good chance of overloading on fury and your beasts frenzying next turn. Therefore, since you usually don't want to move up too far up and consequently die, you will be using this fury primarily on throwing out lots of defensive animi on friendly targets or just camping it. Which isn't too bad, but severely limits the depth, character and potential of the feat. It would be more accurate if the flavour text read:

"Calaban revels in the fervor of slaughter and the feasting of his beasts and allies and can tap into the tremendous energies released by death. Amid the carnage, he can freely call upon his magic and unleash an endless tide of fury camping and spiny growths on his gatordudes so that less stuff dies and he can revel in the miracle of life."

Yeah, that sounds like some serious badassery.

The gist is that he has to spend his fury in order to manage warbeasts, and to have an impact on the game/help his stuff out by removing upkeeps, reducing ARM and killing things with Bone Shaker. Unlike Arkadius and Sturm&Drang, he can't have much of an impact on the game by buffing his own stuff (outside just upkeeping Carnivore).

This all comes back to the need for a decent arc node mechanic, which I would assume is the mechanism to get around the above problem and allow you to use his feat at least partially offensively. The Grave Door meat node is balls:

1. It only works on living enemy models. This means against a handful of matchups (Cryx, CoC, jack/construct-heavy lists), it is not usable, which is a problem given that he needs to cast those three offensive spells to have an impact on the game.
2. It has to hit and damage to trigger, unlike most other arc node mechanics (Vayl's Orraculus, Fiona's Telgesh Mark, Hexeris' Soul Slave and beast bond, etc.). Not so much a problem in itself as it is just throwing a heap of additional dice rolls onto a fundamental mechanic....
3. The gun is decent - RNG 10, POW 10, ROF 2, magical and RAT 6. So you will probably have to boost to hit and damage, and be a bit further up than you want to be because....
4. The Grave Door model remains an enemy model, and cannot be arc through while being engaged by YOUR stuff (which is likely to be the case if it is a front-line model as Posse all have reach), and...
5. The Grave Door model maintains its LoS. This means if you tag something in the enemy front line, you can't really target many enemy things. If you tag something a bit further back, it means you likely could have just targeted things you wanted to target directly with RNG 8 spells. Granted, this is thinking in only 1 dimension and you can also use the arc node to increase your lateral threat range across the table, but in my experience this is a rare case.

Basically, my point is you have to jump through a lot of hoops relative to other arc node abilities on other casters that rely far less on offensive spells than the Grave Walker and in the end, you end up with a rather lackluster arc node. But you could potentially have two of them! Huzzah!

Conclusion

In conclusion, I don't believe Arkadius nor Sturm& Drang really need an arc-node or substitute to function as intended, while Calaban does. An arc node for those Pigmans casters would be a straight-up buff, but so would having access to good things outside Slaughterhousers. I think a Shield Guard/Krea animus type beast or solo would have a bigger impact on them than an arc node would. Calaban on the other hand, has access to some pretty sweet things but trips over himself on the table since he needs a way to project his offensive spells across the board without getting ganked in order to function properly - and in my opinion, the Grave Door mechanic on his ranged weapon does not appropriately fulfill this function.

He has a sweet hat and I would like to see him more on the table and not be completely replaced by a bastard bog trog. I can handle the fact that Calaban is going to suck against things that shut down magic attacks as he is heavily based on offensive spellcasting. Unfavourable matchups are just part of the game. But it'd be pretty sweet if he had good matchups too, or at least matchups were someone else just doesn't do straight-up better, easier.

TL;DR version is basically that the bee in my bonnet is the result of Grave Door not working how I would like it too. It has too many conditions and too many hoops to jump through that I get far more enjoyment complaining about it than I do actually playing with it (reminds me of 40k!).

And that's my incoherent Calaban rage for this month. :)